The Angle

The Tailgate: Newcomers Make Debut In United’s Latest Loss

by on 12 April 2017

This week, we ask the fans: “Defensive players Sam Cronin and Marc Burch made their debuts for Minnesota United in its 2-0 loss on the road to FC Dallas. What did you think of the Loons’ latest defensive reinforcements?”


“If you look at the Opta charts, you can see Cronin had touches all over the field, and will not be allowed within 500 yards of the field as a result.”

Gunt Fascia, Doritos Ingredients Cataloguer



 “Heath says Cronin is a guy to build your team around, so naturally he built the team and added him last.”

Cherrie Rose, Prison Guard



“I heard when Ibson saw he wasn’t on the roster against Dallas that he fell to his knees, held his hands to the sky, and screamed for mercy, and he has been frozen in that position ever since.”

Gladys Butterlove, Colonoscope Greaser


“I see guys like Burch and Cronin as centerpieces to the team. Kadrii and Molino are like stemless wine glasses, and Ramirez and Venegas are probably little doilies. Our back line is a gravy boat. Heath is a napkin.”

Shurb Blightly, Police Militarizer


“They didn’t have a great game, but that is probably because they had just discovered the St. Paul nightlife. The siren call of Big V’s has brought down better men than them.”

Mel Banker, Topless Carwash Attendant


What do YOU think? Tell us in the comments.

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