Somewhat recently, Minnesota United FC posted new roster photos for each member of the team. The photos have a wonderful personality to them, there’s no one style of headshot. But as we know from Zoolander, not all head turns and stares are created equal.
To honor excellence in roster photography, we’ve exhaustively examined the team’s photos, and have definitively determined the top five (with two honorable mentions) Minnesota United FC roster photos.
Without further ado,
Honorable Mention: Kristian Nicht – The Union General
Several players went for this look, and Kristian pulled it off spectacularly. It starts with the beard: the German goalkeeper is a natural for this look. But I like the haunted eyes, staring past the camera. Who knows what atrocities this man has witnessed? Who knows how many confederates he has slaughtered?
Honorable Mention: J. C. Banks – The Big Kid
J. C. has a strong beard game going here too, but it’s the upturned head position that makes this shot. The attacker stares down upon the camera with contempt. His hands don’t rest upon his arms, but rather are almost balled into fists. He’s taken your lunch money, and you’re not getting it back.
#5: Ishmaila Jome – The Mona Lisa
There’s nothing big and fancy about Ish’s approach here, but it’s fundamentally perfect. The stare is direct and heavy. The body is perfectly angled. The lighting suits Ish very well here, as one side of his face is obscured in shadow. There’s one detail in this shot that takes it from well-executed to a top five look, and it’s the barest hint of a smile, reminiscent of a certain world famous painting.
#4: Juliano Vicentini – O Presidente
Brazil’s government is in turmoil right now, but all is calm within Juliano Vicentini. If Brazilians are looking for a new President, one look at this roster photo ought to be enough to get Juli elected. Here, the defensive midfielder projects command. His eyes are benevolent, but his posture and expression suggest this is a man who knows how to get things done. The lighting does well to accent Juliano’s streaks of grey, his smooth forehead, and his arrow-straight nose. Start chiseling this look out of marble.
#3: Jeb(!) Brovsky – The White Walker
One of just four photos to face right, Jeb(!) nails the look here. All of the lines in this photograph, including his hair, point left, but the focus of the shot is all on the eyes.
My god, what eyes. While other players’ looks invite interpretation, Jeb(!)’s demand you explain yourself. Soul piercing.
#2: Danny Cruz – The Enforcer
Many players struggled with how to deal with their arms in these shots, with many ending up just looking cold (see: Lowe, Damion). But many players don’t have arms like Danny “Guns” Cruz. His body turn draws the viewer’s attention downward, from his shoulder to the constitutionally protected instruments of destruction across his chest. It’s only once you’ve realized that Danny Cruz is not a man to mess with, that you look up at his expression and realize that Danny Cruz might just want to mess with you.
Witness the slightest of head tilts, the tight lips, and the hooded stare. What have we done to make Danny so mad? We might not live to find out.
#1: Tiago Calvano – The Master
Few players on the team have taken as many headshots as Tiago, and so it stands to reason that his entry should be the best of the bunch. What isn’t there to like about this look? From the searching narrowed eyes, to the battle-worn hair, there’s an International Man of Mystery at work here.
But what is so successful about Tiago’s shot is how it uses shadows. Tiago’s shadows seem darker and more expressive here than in any other photograph. They define one entire side of his face so sharply, and the photo is rich in contrast. Many people gave it a good go, but nobody succeeded like Tiago.
Well done, sir, well done.
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