It was a decidedly Anglophile day in Euro 2016. On a day where 3 of the 4 parts of the United Kingdom was in action (sorry Scotland, you were there in spirit…or rather in A spirit…Scotch reference!) you could hear God Save the Queen all day long, but would any part of the realm distinguish themselves enough to earn a coveted Corgi hug?
England 2 – Wales 1
It was tense. It was divisive. But in the end, justice was done and the best man prevailed. Yes, I was able to explain to friends and family why Wales is British but not English.
Then there was the match itself. And true to form, the English national team provided as much fodder for tabloid back pages as possible, with attackers barreling through the Welsh defense only to blast repeated chances into low orbit rather than the back of the net. And when the most golden of golden boys, Gareth Bale, cracked a free kick from approximately Middle Earth, you could almost hear the clatter of type setters preparing passive aggressive blasts: “Three Lyin’s”…”Roy’s Boys are Toys”…”He Kane’t Do It”.
All that changed after a halftime influx of fresher players (Daniel Sturridge and Jamie Vardy) helped to bag an equalizer through a scramble in front of the goal. And while that goal brought on glimmers of optimism, it wasn’t until the stoppage time winner (slotted home by Sturridge after another trundling run) forced the printers to shift to a cheerier tone: “Cometh The Hour Cometh The Dan”, “Sturring Stuff” and “Supersubs 2…Superstar 1”.
This joyous mood is sure to last exactly 3 minutes into the next match against Slovakia, enjoy it England fans! Meanwhile Wales will try to do what the Three Lions could not and beat back the rampaging Russians (preferably on the pitch rather than in the stands).
Ukraine 0 – Northern Ireland 2
Shakespeare’s most famous witches may have lived in Scotland, but their first question seemed appropriate for the boys from Belfast: “when shall we three meet again in?/In thunder, lightning or in rain?”
There was all of that, plus a hail storm that briefly halted the match between Northern Ireland and Ukraine.
At a time when a great many in the punditry had taken for granted that Northern Ireland would be content to simply make up the numbers and tell their grand kids about the time they played against the best in the world, the Green and White Army delivered a knockout punch to a flat footed Ukraine.
First Gareth MacAuley soared through the sheels of rain to pound the first goal in, and as the Nor-Irish fell back in to their standard defensive shape, soaking up pressure and puddles, the Ukrainian attack slowed, then slogged then stuttered.
In the final moments, as the sun started to warm the stands, a patchy bit of Ukrainian defending and a tenacious bit of Irish attack netted the second and concluded the witches’ verse.
“When the hurlyburly’s done/When the battle’s lost and won/That will be ere the set of the sun.”
Poland 0 – Germany 0
In the one non-Anglophile game of the day, the neighbors and frequent rivals settled into fluid if unremarkable goalless (and Britonless) draw. So in a desperate attempt to keep the theme of this post running, I’ll now be cramming as many possible random allusions to British culture as possible into this match report.
Poland continued to prove that they are not Lewandowski and the Lemmings (sidebar: That should be Poland’s answer to Herman and the Hermits) with Arkadiusz Milik finding but failing to find the back of the net, while Lewandowski fought through a Jerome Boateng defense more suffocating than London fog.
Die Mannschaft focused on a more direct approach to their attack but their bevvy of attacking options (including Herrs Gomez, Schurrle, and Özil) ultimately came up as empty as Bonny Prince Charlie’s quest to reclaim the English throne.
Heading into the final match day for Group C, Poland will fancy their chances to top the group with a match against the deader than Dobby Ukrainians. Mean while the Germans might reasonably expect to crush Northern Ireland like Doctor Who crushes Daleks, but with the top 4 third place teams moving on, Northern Ireland may attack like Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
In all, toodlepip, bob’s your uncle, and cheerio!
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