Sunday marks the kickoff of the 2016 MLS season. Fans are coming out a busy offseason that included #DrogbaWatch, a complete facelift to Los Angeles’ defense, and the least-marketable batch of Designated Players the league has seen in years. And yet, I’d argue that last point to be a good thing – rather than bringing in guys in their mid-thirties to try and sell tickets, teams are looking for guys who fit a system and are in or entering their prime. I am here to give you a preview of the season to come, but I’ll use the old Japanese formation, the 5-7-5 of the haiku.
For lineups, tactical analyses, and coaches’ sideline wardrobe choices, you can check mlssoccer.com. We’ll give you reasons to watch each team this year, reasons we’ll hate the teams once Minnesota enters MLS, and a haiku to sum up their current state of affairs.
Chicago Fire:
Why should we care about them this year? After finishing dead last in the table, Chicago let go of 80% of their team from last year. Sean Johnson can be a spectacular keeper when he’s focused (remind you of anyone?). Gilberto and David Accam lead a sneaky-potent attack on a good day.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Oh, the natural city rivalry with Chicago will carry over to MLS, especially since they’re the closest team to us by proximity. They’re an organization that never seems to understand how to build a roster and usually falls out of contention before the midpoint of the season. That said, they beat us in the preseason this year.
Give me a haiku!
All new team this year.
Still a tire-fire in Chi-town.
Windy City blows.
Colorado Rapids:
Why should we care about them this year? You like mustaches? Look at Pablo Mastroeni! Want some young guys who never get adequate playing time? Give Dillon Powers, Minnesotan Eric Miller, and Dillon Serna a shot! Looking for the most savvy DP signing of the offseason? Hello, two-time Swiss League Golden Boot winner Shkëlzen Gashi!
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? In recent years, they’ve challenged Chicago as the poorest-run team in the league. They’ll have Tim Howard once July rolls around, and he might still get some clean sheets. Denver’s in the sweet spot where flying feels excessive but it’s just a bit further than we want to drive. What a hassle.
Give me a haiku!
Hey there, Zac MacMath!
Here’s the starting keeper job!
Don’t get comfy, though.
Columbus Crew SC:
Why should we care about them this year? Duluth-born Ethan Finlay returns from US National Team duty to lob in sweet crosses again. The team made very few changes this year, but with guys like Trapp, Higuain, and Tchani, why mess around? The runners-up from 2015 also have two strikers named Kamara from different countries, so that’s fun.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Barring another change, their new road jerseys are some of the ugliest kits in recent MLS memory (any of you want your eggs over-easy?). They’re home to the Buckeyes, who are one of the more insufferable fan bases in the Big Ten. Did I mention those awful, awful jerseys?
Give me a haiku!
Back for second chance.
Steve Clark usu’lly makes that save.
Look out, MLS.
DC United:
Why should we care about them this year? When a team’s best player is a goalkeeper, it’s a tenuous situation. When that keeper is due to miss the first two to three months of the season: it’s downright intriguing. With USMNT GK Bill Hamid out with a knee injury, extra pressure falls on the backline (especially centerbacks Bobby Boswell and Steve Birnbaum). Also – there’s a good chance your favorite MLS guy from 2008 plays for DC United.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? For one last year, MLS fans won’t be confused by multiple Uniteds in the league. This team has more of a claim to the name than Atlanta, but it’s still another United. Their stadium is a dump for both away fans and players. Their roster isn’t very exciting, either.
Give me a haiku!
Aging lineup gets
One last shot at winning Cup.
Fifth place once again.
FC Dallas:
Why should we care about them this year? The golden example of the “play your kids” rule. Fabian Castillo is an absolute joy to watch, and Mauro Diaz can make the impossible pass a reality. Matt Hedges takes over from Omar Gonzalez as the league’s best American centerback.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? It’s very possible that we’ll be jealous of their ability to grow talent internally from the get-go. Some Minnesotans still get testy over the Northstars’ relocation to Dallas. Vanilla Ice was born in Dallas.
Give me a haiku!
Shield runners-up
still getting better down South.
Run, Fabian, Run.
Houston Dynamo:
Why should we care about them this year? After spending the entirety of their existence playing Dom Kinnear Bunker-and-Destroy ball, Houston welcomed in the Owen Coyle era with…more bunkering. The team has three capable forwards in Will Bruin, Erik Torres, and Giles Barnes. They took the best players from Philadelphia in exchange for a dance. They’re a solid sleeper pick for this coming season.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Kind of hard to look at the orange jerseys on a low-definition screen. Their coach bounced around a few Premier League teams, so Euro-snobs have a vague knowledge of how the team plays. We all know Minnesotans melt in Texan heat.
Give me a haiku!
Second year for Coyle
Possibly a faster style.
Pip-pip, cheerio!
Los Angeles Galaxy:
Why should we care about them this year? Bruce Arena is a master of navigating the MLS’ salary cap rules to sneak talent onto his roster! They were the first team to five titles in the league and are a contender for a sixth! Nigel de Jong brings feist to a very experienced team!
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Bruce Arena is a master of navigating the MLS’ salary cap rules to sneak talent onto his roster. They were the first team to five titles in the league and would love to remind you about that. Nigel de Jong brings feist to a very experienced team. They’re never going to go away.
Give me a haiku!
“Bruce, you need some cash?
Here’s $200k for you.
Go get Ashley Cole.”
— MLS headquarters, probably.
Montreal Impact:
Why should we care about them this year? After a lackluster start to 2015, a 37 year old propelled them to the third seed in the East. He’s back against all odds to anchor the team with the highest ceiling and lowest floor in the league. An injury or untimely transfer (or int’l callup) of Drogba, Piatti, or Ciman would be tough to overcome.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Another NASL/USL rival. They’re one of the few teams that can complain about colder weather than us. They also have some of the most annoying hipsters this side of Portland.
Give me a haiku!
MLS Cup hopes
Rest on Drogba’s aging legs –
Hang on, Chelsea called.
New England Revolution:
Why should we care about them this year? After a bizarre red card scared NE away from re-signing Jermaine Jones, the team will now shift its focus entirely to eternal underdog Lee Nguyen. They also field the two biggest head-scratchers in the US forward pool (Juan Agudelo & Charlie Davies), making for an entertaining attack. Minnesotan-Canadian Teal Bunbury returns to add a local flavor to the Revs.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? They’re owned by Robert Kraft. There’s the whole “call yourself New England and really just represent Boston” angle. Much like DC, they’re a team that’s consistently in the top-5 every year no matter who’s on the roster.
Give me a haiku!
New year, same old song.
Jay Heaps gets them in playoffs.
Fourth seed. Wow. Ho-hum.
New York City FC:
Why should we care about them this year? You like comedy, right? Year two for Manchester II New York City hasn’t gotten any less murky after firing MLS Cup coach Jason Kreis for rookie coach Patrick Vieira. They didn’t change out any of their DPs, leaving 2006 World Cup All Stars David Villa, Andrea Pirlo, and Frank Lampard to lead the way. If you look closely, you might see Mix Diskerud on the field once in awhile.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Imagine you had a neighbor who moved into the apartment next to you and kept getting large packages shipped to their door. You never knew what was in the boxes, but based off of how many they got, you instantly assumed they were rich and were jealous of their budget. When they invite you over to watch House of Cards, you realize that they only ordered antique vases from England. No practical use for them. Just vases. That’s NYCFC.
Give me a haiku!
So long, Jason Kreis.
Mo money, mo problems here.
Big Rotting Apple.
New York Red Bulls:
Why should we care about them this year? Luckily, we won’t have to listen to the “Jesse Marsch town hall” story every time they play on national TV this year. They came back after losing coach Mike Petke and master of seduction Thierry Henry to win the Supporters Shield before their annual loss in the Conference Finals. They also boast one of the five best midfields in MLS history.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? They’ve shed the label of “overspender” and have fielded an impressive roster. That said, they’re sponsored by an energy drink, they used to have Rafa Marquez on the roster, and they’re from New York. For Minnesota sports fans, that last point is a kiss of death.
Give me a haiku!
Miazga is gone.
Baah anchors the backline now.
Red Bulls still have wiiiiiiiiings.
Orlando City SC:
Why should we care about them this year? Cyle Larin’s goals have replaced poutine as Canada’s third biggest export. While he’ll likely experience a sophomore slump, the second-year team should be after a solid-but-unspectacular debut. Between Larin, Kaka, Kevin Molino, Carlos Rivas, and new DP Antonio Nocerino, there’s plenty of firepower in the Magic Kingdom.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? We’ll be compared to them quite a bit, between being a team entering from another league and having a better brand than our expansion counterparts. Their fans are quickly becoming the East’s equivalent of Timbers fans despite a lack of success in the league. Also, Minnesota soccer fans have a natural disdain for teams wearing purple.
Give me a haiku!
No Chicharito,
but they got Nocerino.
Fast-paced, young team-o.
Philadelphia Union:
Why should we care about them this year? Hoo boy… Well, they gutted most of their roster, leaving Maurice Edu, CJ Sapong, and Raymon Gaddis as the only guys you might find on another team’s XI. Their often-maligned goalkeeper situation is down to two possible starters. Jim Curtin’s a pretty cool guy, too.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? They’re the only team that could challenge us for best-looking logo. Parking in Philadelphia is an absolute nightmare. They have former Cosmos players Leo Fernandes and Walter Restrepo. Frankly, they’re a boring team to watch.
Give me a haiku!
Nine guys behind ball.
Waiting up front is Sapong.
Surprise – scoreless draw!
Portland Timbers:
Why should we care about them this year? Well, they won the whole thing last year. Darlington Nagbe is the flavor-of-the-month in US Soccer, while Caleb Porter has started to redeem himself after the 2012 Olympic debacle. An exciting core with an excess of wingers at their disposal.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? If you thought Timbers fans were annoying before, they’re only going to get worse now that they’ve won the Cup. They also have “former old NASL and USL rival” going against them. At least they lost the “Best Biking City in America” title.
Give me a haiku!
The defending champs.
Rose City: She loves you not.
Put a bird on it.
Real Salt Lake:
Why should we care about them this year? They’ve gotten the band back together for one more year! Veterans Nick Rimando, Kyle Beckerman, and Javier Morales face off against Father Time to try their hand. Joao Plata is the shortest guy in MLS (5’3) and has a chance to score 15 goals this year. Basically, if you liked 2006’s Rocky Balboa for the “old guy giving another shot” narrative, you’ll love this year’s RSL.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? If you aren’t a fan of “European names” in MLS, Real Salt Lake will be your least favorite team in the league. As far as I know, there isn’t a royal lineage in Utah.
Give me a haiku!
Sorry, Jeff Cassar –
after missing the playoffs
they miss Jason Kreis.
San Jose Earthquakes:
Why should we care about them this year? After spending most of last year on the injured reserve, speedy striker Innocent Emeghara joins Chris Wondolowski up front. Young DM Fatai Alashe has potential to fill the national team’s “Beckerman role” for years to come, while Tommy Thompson has retained “Crazy Fun Future-of-MLS Guy” status for a third years despite playing only 1155 minutes in his first two. They’re led by Dom Kinnear, one of the most successful coaches in MLS who favors a bunker-and-destroy style of play.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Former NASL rival. Matias Perez Garcia is one of the least inspiring DP signings in league history (though, check out his Week 33 game winning goal & red card combo. Stuff of legends.). Perennial underachievers – they’ve made the playoffs once since their reincarnation in 2008 (when they won the Supporters’ Shield in 2012).
Give me a haiku!
Look beyond Wondo,
See a roster lacking depth.
Some fun young guys, though.
Seattle Sounders:
Why should we care about them this year? Men’s National Team fans will flock to them due to Clint Dempsey and Jordan Morris. They’re one of the deepest teams in their midfield and their attack, and they have a consistent netminder in Stephen Frei. Also, there’s the whole “Drew Carey as owner” pull.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Another NASL/USL alumnus in Cascadia. Seattle’s one of the major brands in the league, meaning you’ll see their stuff just about everywhere. If you don’t like rave green or Microsoft, they aren’t your cup of tea.
Give me a haiku!
Obafemi left.
JoMo, Deuce, and Valdes lead
One more run for Cup.
Sporting Kansas City:
Why should we care about them this year? You like Sydney LeRoux? Well, her husband plays in Kansas City. Dom Dwyer, Graham Zusi, and Matt Besler are back as one of MLS’ most consistent teams looks destined for a playoff spot again.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Since the 2014 US Open Cup, Minnesota and SKC have been fostering a Midwestern rivalry. They have a solid branding scheme, an impressive youth system, and are one of our closest teams by proximity. The front-runner to be our biggest rival.
Give me a haiku!
Same expectations
across the wide Missou-rah.
Can they reach those heights?
Toronto FC:
Why should we care about them this year? Reigning MVP Giovinco turned down rumored moves to clubs like Milan and Barcelona to stay in Drake’s hometown. Their other two DPs are national team regulars Michael Bradley and Jozy Altidore. Just don’t ask Toronto fans how all three can be on the field at the same time. They hate that.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Toronto proved to be the most adept team at scouring the inaugural free agent market, picking up veteran defenders Drew Moor and Steven Beitashour. Also, any team further north than Minnesota gets a bigger claim at the “it’s cold here” complaint.
Give me a haiku!
American stars
With Italian maestro
Equals Canada?
Vancouver Whitecaps:
Why should we care about them this year? The slightly-less-impressive version of FC Dallas. Players like Kekuta Manneh and Octavio Rivero are good examples of the next wave of talent hitting MLS. Their backline may be a mess, but they’re a prime candidate to win a 4-3 game any given week.
Why will we hate them when Minnesota goes to MLS? Founded in 1986, Minnesota played against the Whitecaps in the old USL. Generally speaking, they’re one of MLS’ most liked teams. Any Cascadian team draws ire in the league, though.
Give me a haiku!
Northest-westest team
Always close to winning big
Can’t make final step.
That brings us to twenty! Got any predictions (or better poetry) for this year? Leave it in the comments below.
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