The Angle

Thirteen Deities That Christian Pulisic Resembles

by on 27 March 2017

On Friday, the US men’s national team emerged from its panicky start to the last stage of World Cup qualifying with a bang. In the 6-0 drubbing of Honduras, the young Christian Pulisic was electric, some might even say divine. “Young Messiah,” as he is known to no one yet, but hopefully will be soon, also resembles a number of other deities.

Ammit, the devourer, or soul-eater (Egyptian)

Listen, what Pulisic did to Honduras was absolutely savage. But if I can just lazily quote wikipedia here:

If the heart was judged to be not pure, Ammit would devour it, and the person undergoing judgement was not allowed to continue their voyage towards Osiris and immortality. Once Ammit swallowed the heart, the soul was believed to become restless forever; this was called “to die a second time”. Ammit was also sometimes said to stand by a lake of fire. In some traditions, the unworthy hearts were cast into the fiery lake to be destroyed. Some scholars believe Ammit and the lake represent the same concept of destruction.

Ammit was not worshipped; instead she embodied all that the Egyptians feared, threatening to bind them to eternal restlessness if they did not follow the principle of Ma’at.

Pulisic’s performance against Honduras might best be described as swallowing their unworthy hearts. I know it’s harsh on Honduras, but Pulisic is an unflinching and cold god.

Additionally, I don’t know what the principle of Ma’at is, but I assume it refers to Matt Besler and his principles are notoriously strict.

Yahweh (Jewish)

The Old Testament God, big G, was complicated: offering promise of a future and, well, he also destroyed the world once and afterwards said, “Here’s a pretty rainbow to remind you that next time I’ll just light this shit on fire.” While it wasn’t a rainbow, Pulisic’s pass to Clint Dempsey was basically the same thing.

Gozer (also known as Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Gozer the Traveler, Volguus Zildrohar and Lord of the Sebouillia) (Ivan Reitman)

Gozer, too, had a cult that followed him, one that would last through the ages. The cult’s worship of the great destroyer lasted long enough that they would erect buildings in New York built to harness his power and bring the god back. Pulisic, of course, does not need to be beckoned back to this temporal plane. But I consider us to be living in the prequel.

Baldr (Norse)

The Norse (and Anglo-Saxon) god of light and goodness. Praying to Pulisic will bring you light and goodness in your life. That’s a guarantee.

Inari Ōkami (Japanese)

Inari can be both a young woman or an old man. Inari encompasses all aspects of human bodily and sexual existence. Pulisic transcends space, time, and traditional notions of soccer positions.

Is he a No. 10? An inside forward? Like Inari, it makes little sense to try to confine him to your preconceived conceptions.





Hebe (Greek)

The goddess of youth, Hebe served many of the other gods as a cupbearer. Serving “nectar and ambrosia” up to Clint Dempsey so Deuce can put it in the back of the net. Also, there is this line from Wikipedia: “freed prisoners would hang their chains in the sacred grove of her sanctuary at Phlius.” That one sentence sums up this match and the post-Klinsmann era better than anything else I could write.

Jesus Christ (Christian)

While Christian Pulisic has heretofore not died for the sins of mankind, the Young Messiah nevertheless shares a remarkable resemblance to the Traditional Messiah. Take, for example, Pulisic’s healing touch. Last August, Clint Dempsey was ruled out of play due to a heart irregularity. Enter Christian Pulisic, who healed his national team counterpart.

Like Jesus, Pulisic also knocks gently at the door of the opposition’s goal. Unlike Jesus, however, he does not wait for your response. You do not have to accept Pulisic into your heart or goal. He knocks only out of politeness, before barging down the door.

Blessed are the playmakers, for they shall provide bags and bags of assists.

Ah-Muzen-Cab (Mayan)

The Mayan god of Bees. Pulisic plays for Dortmund…black and yellow. Okay, kind of stretching at this point, but I said “resembled” in the title.









Minerva (Roman)

The story goes that Jupiter was so afraid of his unborn child’s prophesied power over him, that he swallowed his baby mama (Metis) whole. Whilst inside Jupiter, Metis gets to building Minerva an arsenal and armor, which gives Jupiter a migraine and so he has Vulcan open his head up. Out pops a pissed off Minerva in full armor. I don’t know who swallowed Christian Pulisic and his mom, but that person is so screwed.

Belenus (Celtic)

The Celtic god of healing, Belenus rode across the sky in a chariot. Pulisic does not need a chariot. Michael Bradley executes a perfectly timed tackle and then picks out Pulisic before the Young Messiah dribbles across the sky.

Radha (Hindu)

Radha is as much spirit as goddess. She incarnates the love of Krishna. Pulisic incarnates my love of Krishna, soccer, life, and just about everything else at this point.

Cthulu (H.P. Lovecraft)

The Lovecraftian deity Cthulu is a deeply malevolent god that broods in the deep of the ocean as well as the deep of human consciousness.

Like Pulisic, Cthulu offers the world destruction by unfeeling, monstrous hands (or feet in Pulisic’s case).

Like Cthulu, fear of Pulisic dwells in the depths of human subconsciousness. It feeds there, couched and ready to burst forth into the conscious world and annihilate all in his path.



Baal Hammon (Carthaginian)

Baal Hammon was a Carthaginian weather god, the bringer of rain and sun for the crops. He was, in short, a fertility god. Thanks to Christian Pulisic, all of us are going to be having lots more babies, so this one pretty much nails it on the head. Gonna be lots of baby showers in the months after the 2018 World Cup.

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