While many American soccer fans latch on to the Final Four style celebration of the FIFA World Cup Finals there are still hundreds of squads to be weeded out in the earlier rounds. So, this occasional feature will offer a chance to go down the rabbit hole and start caring about those teams eliminated in the earlier stages of the competition. After all, while “One Shining Moment” montages love to end with a thrilling buzzer beater and confetti explosion, they are even more satisfying with a crying flutist or two.
Here now are the World Cup corollaries to said sad flutists, along with a farewell in their local language, and a comparison of how they performed in years past.
142 ‘Ilaa Liqaaa, Kuwait: 2014 Finish #132 (-10)
Why they lost: While they were riding high in second place of their group last October, Kuwait’s government (read: the royal family) got involved in the FA again. (Exactly what they did is unclear, as every press release and wire report uses vague generalities to excuse the actions.) So, for the third time in 10 years, Kuwait was disqualified from all tournaments and competitions they were entered in. (Oddly almost held on to their runner-up status, a Lebanon draw on the final match day, just barely knocking them back into third).
What we’ll miss: The excitement of dream casting the HBO Mini-series/Movie about the corruption and drama within Kuwaiti FA offices. Please let this be an excuse to (with ethnic ignorance) cast Shah Rukh Khan….PLEASE!
141 Long Jay Gay, Bhutan: 2014 Finish #205 (+64)
Why they lost: The Thunder Dragons may have had their heads turned a bit by all the positive press coverage. But that kind of coverage will come your way if you win your first game ever in FIFA qualifications (even if they’re won against Sri Lanka). After the BBC, ESPN and all manner of mainstream (and more obscure) media gushed over them, it’s hard not to be excited.
What we’ll miss: Changlimath Stadium. I mean…we’ll see it again at the 2046 World Cup when 80% of the Earth is under rising sea levels and all tournaments are hosted by mountain ranges. But who knows how often we’ll connect again before that?
140 Lia Suhn Hao-y, Cambodia: 2014 Finish #199 (+59)
Why they lost: The Angkor Warriors have made some serious strides since we last saw them get dumped out of the competition by Laos four years ago. Still, a porous defense ceding 27 goals, nearly half of which came in two ties against Syria, is hard to overcome.
What we’ll miss: The seven way Phenom Penh Derby is practically a league unto itself, but while that particular drama mostly plays out in the streets of the capital, the music of Cambodian-style Pop band Dengue Fever, is for everyone!
139 Jaigen, Chinese Taipei: 2014 Finish #197 (+58)
Why they lost: Taipei, or as it’s better known from the labels on your shirts/your kids’ toys “Taiwan,” took another step this round – moving in to the second round after beating Brunei. However, and to state the obvious, second round teams were better than Brunei, and despite scoring several goals on the road, a drought at home left them unable to capitalize on any kind of home field advantage.
What we’ll miss: We’re not China-phobes or anything, but c’mon, a little pro-democracy tweaking of President Xi Jingping, is always a plus in our books.
138 Bhalo Thakben, Bangladesh: 2014 #180 (+42)
Why they lost: The final 590 minutes of Bangladesh’s qualifying run passed in an offensive malaise that left even Jimmy Carter speechless (YEAH! obscure Carter Joke!). Ultimately falling: five-nil; four-nil; two-nil; five-nil; four-nil; and eight-nil to a Jordan crew that clearly missed the memo about goals against the worst team in your group not counting. In retrospect giving six out of seven games to keepers younger than 25 might have given experience, if not confidence to the young team.
What we’ll miss: First choice goalkeeper Shahidul Yousuf Alam Sohel. Not because he was incredible, but because we expect he’ll be going into witness protection.
137 Hau ba lai, Timor-Leste: 2014 Finish #203 (+66)
Why they lost: When the Little Samba Island was going well, they were really going well. A famous draw in Kuala Lumpur and a draw at home against Palestine was a vast improvement on the last cup. Even narrow defeats at home to Malaysia and UAE were things to take pride in. But when they went wrong, they really went wrong, with a 10-0 drubbing AT HOME to Saudi Arabia the final straw.
What we’ll miss: Samba-offs in place of penalty shoot outs. Honestly, it seems about as fair, and possibly more dramatic (especially if we’re dealing with Russian judges).
136 Ila Al-Liqa, Yemen: 2014 Finish #179 (+43)
Why they lost: The Red of Yemen didn’t have much offense, and when both of their goals at this stage came from 40 minutes from substitute striker Ahmed Al-Sarori. To be fair he’s only 17, and better still, he’s only 17.
What we’ll miss: With the rise of Al-Sarori, we may just be missing the final bottoming out of Yemen. 14 years ago they were dangerous, now they’re increasingly an afterthought. Easier to miss the trough than the peak.
135 Phir Milenge, India: 2014 Finish #183 (+48)
Why they lost: India’s biggest sports juggernaut: T20 Cricket. Great for a cricket-crazed country and people who love instant offense. Lousy for a minor soccer bubble and anyone who likes a good tea interval. (Sidebar: India also holds a unique distinction, the first team I’ve ever seen who had to forfeit a game 3-0 after losing it in real life…3-0)
What we’ll miss: The probable swan song for Captain and 50 goal legend of the Blue Tigers: Sunil Chettri. Cricket players get half-centuries all the time, Chettri (31) may not be around long enough to add to his tally in another Cup Qualifier.
134 Selamat Tinggal, Malaysia: 2014 Finish #182 (+48)
Why they lost: If your country gets shellacked 10-0, you’re pretty much cooked in World Cup qualifying. If your country gets shellacked 10-0, you’re probably going to be pretty upset with how your team and federation are working. If you get shellacked 10-0, you might be tempted to show how upset you are at the next home match. However, if you get shellacked 10-0, then show your displeasure by throwing flares and smoke bombs on the pitch while your crew looks for a late equalizer against the best team in the group….well…you’re not helping much.
What we’ll miss: A far more angsty counterpoint to the most frustrated American ultras.
133 Sok Dee Der, Laos: 2014 Finish #191 (+58)
Why they lost: Laos saved their three goal outburst for a game that did not occur, winning by forfeit over Kuwait…and yet Kuwait still managed to finish six points clear of Tim Xad.
What we’ll miss: The statute of limitations running out on the “New Laos National Stadium,” constructed in 2009. I never thought I’d see the need for naming rights so clearly. Speaking of…any one want to go in on the naming rights for Laos’ National Stadium with me?
132 To Bozdid, Tajikistan: 2014 Finish #186 (+54)
Why they lost: Squished amongst other former Soviet states, Tajikstan has the smallest landmass, relatively minor economic advantages, and a beloved leader/despot who has ruled for 22 years. I’m not saying they’re a little disadvantaged in investments in youth soccer, but I’m guessing other things come before set-piece training.
What we’ll miss: Despite a clear decline in their form from the last cycle, the Persian Lions have invested heavily in youth development, going so far as to make their U-19 side double up as a club team in their top division. On top of all this, they’re making the team the focal point of their the only HD network in Tajikistan, so what I’ll really miss is discovering exactly what passes for a “Hot Take” in Tajik color commentary.
131 Dhanee, Maldives: 2014 Finish #187 (+56)
Why they lost: Ahhh, Maldives, pretty enough to be my retirement home, tumultuous enough to be my nightmare. (Seriously, I know I just did a little mini-poli-sci rant about Tajikistan, but the Maldives makes that mess look as controversial as a Rick Santorum sweater vest.) There’s a former president in jail for terrorism, a former vice president under arrest for plotting the assassination of his OWN president, and a growing hunger for the authoritarian, China-cuddling, radical-Islam preaching, son-of-a-former-dictator current president to lead the way. With all this unrest it was nice to have Bhutan to beat up on.
What we’ll miss: Ali Ashfaq. Now, as he was before, the most interesting striker in Southeast Asia. And possibly, the most trustworthy public persona in the Maldives.
130 Adios Esta, Guam; 2014 Finish 207 (+ 77)
Why they lost: Like Bhutan, Guam didn’t even enter last cycle’s tournament. Unlike Bhutan, Guam won a game in this round. They actually won two! And won a draw against Oman to be well positioned for advancement half-way through the round. Then the wheels came off the wagon, right around the time they went on the road. Dropping their final four matches without scoring a goal (notably, talisman/LA Galaxy player AJ DeLaGarza did not travel for those games).
What we’ll miss: Having a little slice of America kick butt in a totally different confederation: USA! USA! USA!
129 Tam Biet, Vietnam: 2014 Finish 181 (+52)
Why they lost: If you ask the Vietnamese board, it probably has something to do with former coach Toshiya Miura’s poor player development. Despite a solid 24 points out of 14 matches under Miura, and a better record with the U-23’s, the board canned Miura after getting bounced out of the U-23 championships in January of this year. To be fair, under coach Nguyen Hu Thang, the first local manager to cover a Cup qualifier in over a decade, they did record a thumping 4-1 win over Taipei, and a narrow 1-0 loss away to Iraq.
What we’ll miss: Scouting opportunities. (Under the theory that Vietnam has a clearer development system than Laos, I thought my local club side–Minnesota United–could consider taking on players who appeal to a large segment of the local fan base.) Two of the most promising candidates: Luong Xuan Truong and Do Duy Manh have already been poached by the J-League and the K-League respectively, but their fellow Academy member has also been called up…I’m just saying….Nào Loons!
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